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01 May 2010 @ 04:24 am
Your on my door step again. When I open the door you're just standing there. Your face holds no expression, but then I look into your eyes. You have that look in your perfectly blue green eyes. That look. The one I never wanted to get from you. Anyone but you. But it's that look. That look is the only thing i could ever possibly hate about you.

You always had that power. The power to destroy me, my world, and my heart. All at the same time And you'd tell me. You'd tell me that that day would never come. That i was too special. Too unique, too good to give up. But somehow, looking into those pools of blue green now, that day i'd feared so much, well it was here. It had come, and it hurt. It felt like a slap to the face. No, worse. It felt like all the world's pain. And I was defiantly feeling it now. All this pain, and you hadn't even said a word yet. Well, darling, i knew what you were going to say.

I looked down from your gorgeous eyes, I couldn't bare to look at them any longer, knowing this was the last time I would have that chance. I glanced at your arms. They seemed to be just dangling there, like you hadn't had a thing to hold onto.

We stood there for a minute or three, though it felt more like a few lifetimes to me, and we looked at each other. I tried to analyze everything about this moment. I tried to remember your face, your body, the way you swayed back and forth, but it was no use. I knew years from now, you would just be a distant memory. I knew that the nights i would cry for you , the nights that I would wish i was in your arms, the nights that were so miserable because of you, well, they would be gone. Someday. Someday, you'd just be some guy. Some man I loved with all of my everything, but my everything? It wasn't enough for you. Had it ever been? I wondered at this moment. Had I ever been enough for you?

You took a deep breath, and somehow it showed emotion. It showed that you didn't want to be here, and maybe you never did.

I wondered how many of the things you told were a lie now.

"I'm sorry," the words slipped from your thin lips. But were you sorry? Were you sorry that my soul was withering away with every second I stared at you on my porch?

I continued standing there, and didn't say a word. What was i to say? I had not a thing to say to you. All I could think about was you. All I could think about was how much I loved you, how much I so desperately needed you, how much I didn't even want to be on this world without you by my side. But I couldn't tell you these things.

These things? Well, they were useless to you. I have so many things to give, but you don't want any of them.

"I'm sorry," you repeated again, though this time there was a hint of sadness in your voice. I could almost feel it in the air, enveloping me.

"I just want you to be happy," I said to you, in the softest tone. I could barely get out the words. I felt like I was lying to you. I felt selfish. I did want you to be happy, but just a little bit more I wanted you to be happy with me. I wanted you all to myself, until no one could have you. I wanted you to be mine, forever. I didn't want till death do us part, no. I wanted so much more than that. I wanted forever.

"I'm sorry it can't be with you," you said. With those words, you killed me. You killed my soul, you killed my love, and maybe a little part of me died. A little part of me was gone, and there was no getting it back.

You took my hands, and I gladly embraced them with my own. Your touch was always warm, but it felt cool. Your hands held in mine, but different. I knew everything was different. But then, the end always seems different.

You guided me up the stairs that led to my room. You sat down, and i sat next to you. You scooted closer to me, and snuggled close. Closer, I felt, that i had ever been to you. I felt like we were one person, but still incomplete in a way. I felt whole now, but I knew, when you left, half of me would leave along with you.

But now, in this moment, I was complete. you held me, and for those last few minutes of true happiness, I was okay.
Current Mood: coldcold
20 April 2010 @ 08:11 pm
Current Mood: amusedamused
29 December 2009 @ 02:28 am
Current Mood: lonelylonely
28 November 2009 @ 11:10 pm
Current Mood: amusedamused
05 November 2009 @ 06:15 pm
If I were a flower I would be a Hibiscus ............ My spiritual petals says I have an arresting presence, but not to the point of being an attention-slut, and that im tenacious and able to stand up for myself.

Traditional flower symbolism, however, says that Hibiscus means delicate beauty and consuming love.

if I were a animal I would be a Koala .........im pretty chilled out most of the time, and, although I give off warm and fuzzy vibes, im really not that big on others.

if I were a food I would be a Ice Cream .....im mouth watering good!! I never miss the opportunity to enjoy something wonderful and delicious and when I have guests, there's always plenty of sweets to offer them and I go great with cake.
Current Mood: hungryhungry
04 November 2009 @ 03:30 pm
We humans spend much of our time trying to control every aspect of our lives. Unfortunately, too often we try and control things that are simply beyond our control.

I control what I do................ my actions are mine alone. I choose to make them or not make them and I am responsible for the effects of those actions.

I control what I say..................... Likewise, the words I speak (or write) are also consciously chosen. Like actions, they have an impact on my life and the lives of those I contact.

I control what I think............................ Yes, there are some subconscious thoughts that I can't control. But the things that I really think about, my beliefs, my ideals, etc. are concepts I have chosen to accept and believe in.

my work.................................................
Many people like to overlook this one, it being much easier to say, "Oh, I'm! trapped in my job because I don't have a degree, experience, etc."
That's simple a way of denying one's responsibility in having chosen the job in the first place. It's my job and I chose it. If I stay (or go), that's a choice as well.

The people I associate with.........................................
There's a famous T-shirt that states:-

"It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys."

my friends can either lift me up or bring me down. I make the decision which type of friends I wish to have.

my basic physical health...........................................
Much about my health is a factor of genetics, environment, and exposure.
Much more of my health is simply a matter of the decisions I make about my health, such as: diet, exercise, drugs, sleep, routine physicals, check-ups, etc.

my environment ........................................
my house, the condition of my home, the town I live in, the amenities available to me are all things I can control, although some to a lesser degree (i.e., you decide to tolerate them or move someplace else).

my fiscal situation............................................
Having or not having enough money is a factor of what I make versus what I spend.

My time................................................... I choose how to "spend" my time and how much of my time to give to various activities. I'll never get more time than the 24 hours given each day.

my legacy.......................... All my actions, words, and knowledge that I share while I am living become the gift that I leave when I am gone..................................................

You only live once-but if you work and make it to
LIVE right, once is enough.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
10 September 2009 @ 07:10 pm
Imagine yourself working for a bakery. You are a good baker and the boss initially hires you in at 500 dollars a week plus a loaf of bread a day to take home. He likes your work ethic and makes you an unofficial partner of sorts in the business.

You work hard, are a good employee and bring the shop some income. You are a part of the team and life is good. Then one day, after your first year or so, the boss says, "I need to cut back on the bread you take home, so you can only have one loaf every other day." Time goes on and a while later the boss says that he can only give you a loaf of bread to take home twice a week. "The bread, he says, "is a bonus and not an obligation on my part." Finally the boss says he can only give you a loaf a week and two years later he cuts that down to your birthday or the anniversary of the store opening. All the while you as the employee are continuing to work hard and make the boss money and are being a true team player.

One day the boss says to you, "I need to cut your salary by one hundred dollars a week." In addition, you are noticing that the boss is giving you the cold shoulder more and listening to your ideas for making the shop successful less. The boss is constantly on your ass about trivial stuff. You and the boss have a relationship that has gone to shit. But the boss keeps you around because he knows you are helping to make him and the business money. You know sales and profit have gone up since you started working there.

You are by this time getting miserable working there I imagine.

So, walking home from work one day, the owner of a different bakery stops you. He says, "Listen, I noticed you used to carry a loaf of bread home every day and now you don't. I want you to try my bread and see what you think, here's a free loaf. If you like it great, if you think you can help me make better bread, I will hire you on the spot. As a matter of fact, I will make you an equal partner and if we ever disagree we can split any profits we have made right down the middle. Your salary will be 600 dollars a week plus profit sharing. I have seen how your boss treats you and I think you deserve better. You are a great baker, I have seen you in action and people rave about your bread and skills. Oh, one more thing, you can take as much bread home as you like, whenever you like."

Do you really think you'd NOT take the other guy up on his offer?

. Men get married to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives. .....right........
Current Mood: blankblank
30 June 2009 @ 12:03 am
Wandering beneath your fingers, you snip the strings burdened against my blackening heart. Though the agony doesn't require physics or mathematical equations to be true, it accumulates throughout my blood like heroin, and surrenders to an opportunity at love;
a weakness to be close to you .


I used to scribble down secrets and reread them every night before I fell asleep, because that way, I'd never have to tell you what was always at the tip of my tongue. But I was running out of irrelevant chances to let you slither between my ribs and occupy the vacant chasms in my heart.
It was the start of something forbidden and a fatal, yet beautiful, corruption.

But neither of us seemed to care.


My hand was trembling as it gripped the brass-chipped door handle. I wasn't sure what to expect at this point. I furthered my interest from any synonym cornering infatuation and kept my emotions cemented to my conscience so I wouldn't stumble and fall for another mistake .


& when I finally found the strength to take a stab at fate, I took a step outside to get a better examination of your face; a better inquiry of your tempting vocal chords.


Then and there, when we shook hands and you smiled at me with complete confidence, I should've known [ I could've known ] I'd be your puppet,
and you'd be everything I could never have.

I didn't think . You took me by surprise and left me hanging from another entangled intention. Either you craved my fragrance or you pushed me away because you might've gotten a flash of reality and choked on the bitter certainty that you were nowhere near available. Either way, you'd end up too comfortably close to becoming unfaithful, and undoubtedly, I was once okay with living with the shame.


I hated that about myself;


We sang ballads completely out of tune and swayed to a song I can't even listen to anymore. You messed that up for me , but somehow, I'd do anything to get that moment back. Naivety only existed between our breaths and it was the aftermath of saying goodbye that would tear down the building-blocks that I used to portray my hopes.

But I only desired to feel wanted, but I knew I'd have to face the truth eventually,
even if it were too late.

'Happy birthday, beautiful,'

you stared directly into my eyes for the first time without turning away. My senses had interacted with my knowing of right from wrong,You knew how to make me feel important, and that seemed to blind my senses every time.


I tightened the knot around 'a lifetime', because I didn't believe in forever. I rested my head against your uneasy stomach muscles, and sank into your charm, even if it was only meant to deceive. Tonight, you were mine , and I wasn't about to give you away.


Unforgettable memories of stopping by or calling me to ask me how my day was were buried underneath my mattress, just so I always knew where they were when I needed them the most. But eventually, undefined emotions were spilled between unfortunate words I never thought I'd have the lung capacity to say. You say goodbye, nearly speechless, and I couldn't comprehend if this was rejection, or if you actually cared.


I wasn't sure which was worse anymore;


but when you told me that if you weren't with her, you'd be with me ,
everything became more of a blur, and I was left contemplating over the obvious;
I had to let you go.


I replayed the words [un]spoken, the memories that collapsed with every apology that formerly escaped your lips, and every time I thought you'd want me enough to be with me. Eventually, you pushed me to my limits and I conquered every misguided or lingering feeling I felt toward you. I knew what I deserved

I wasn't willing to give you up completely.


Forgive sounds good ;
so we say hello to a new beginning, and wave good-bye to the past & ruthless mistakes.
Though I don't completely trust myself to let you back into my life,
I owe you ;
until now, I've never had closure.
Until now,
I never had the pride to let go.

So thank you, for being the best yet worst thing that's ever happened to me.♥
Current Mood: weirdweird
17 June 2009 @ 01:01 am
Current Mood: amusedamused
13 June 2009 @ 04:40 am
You fill the hollow in which I stand
As the crushing tide caresses the sand
Our shoreline forever touches the sky
As the aching sun passes us by

We are as echoes lost at sea
Ethereal voices whispering softly
The unseen force which captures the tears
Before they leave our innocent eyes

Two halves of the same soul
Sharing this midnight view
And for that one peaceful moment in eternity
I swear you felt it too

Another poem about love. Possibly a different form of love such as the feeling of finding another soul on the same wavelength, in this busy world. No matter how busy your life is its possible to feel completely alone in a room full of people. My mind all to often tends to be in some other 'lost' place. And once in a while, I hear a familiar echo there..
Current Mood: lonelylonely